"this is my bribing technique," i say as i hand the guy behind the counter a plastic cartridge of valentine decorated cookies.
"...what do you need...."
i lay down the trash bags - not one, but two - that contained my coat inside. i take a deep breath and close my eyes. "there is puke all over this coat."
he starts to take the bag. "no-no," i say, "look at it first, and tell me if you can clean it." this being the second try at a cleaners that day, i want to make sure it's do-able. ...or "clean-able".
he opens the bag, and the stale aroma of puke comes exploding out. [sort of like walking into a hollister unprepared - you're immediately gasping for air. it's like you're drowning in the fumes of an 8th grade boys locker room mixed with hairspray and formaldehyde. being in that place is not safe without a gas mask. ...they're probably trying to get all those little teeny boppers high to increase revenue.]
he sighs as he looks up and down my puke stained coat. it actually kind of looks like someone dipped it in a bathtub full of puke. "i'll have to clean it a couple times, and hopefully it will look the same as it did before...and i'm gonna have to charge you $18."
"that's fine! anything you can do!"
he gives me my slip, and as i'm walking out i turn around and exclaim,"happy valentine's day!!"
...
happy valentine's day. let's rewind.
i had a wine party.
yeah... you already know where this is going. while the party was a success, the after party events led to - you guessed it - my puke stained coat. i let my already pretty drunk friend borrow my coat as we ventured to the neighborhood bar, where she proceeded to take shots. how many? one would have been too many. i decided we should leave the bar at the point in the night when i'm carrying her. poor timing on my part....
on the way home there are multiple pit stops. fortunately, no puke ended up in my car. unfortunately, all puke ended up on my coat.
since the puke didn't stop once we hit home -in fact, my other sober, helpful friend tells me that at one point, a whole strawberry emerged- i had other pleasantries to attend to: hair holding, water feeding a limp head (which, by the way, it really freaks me out how really drunk people have no control over their neck - because that is one thing i do not want to be responsible for breaking), sheet covering the couch, meticulous trash can placement next to couch, etc. meaning: no time to wipe puke paste and chunks off coat. puke paste that by morning time, has hardened into an almost glossy frosting all down the front of my coat. and let me tell you, this thing was a lot stronger than any potpourri could cover up. i was burning candles for days.
the lucky day i get to drop this beauty off just happens to be valentine's day. i wager that, since i'm probably going to ruin someone's day by dropping this coat off to them for cleaning, i could also make their day by bringing valentine's day cookies. cancels out, right? i mean, who doesn't love a naked baby flying around with a deadly weapon?
i approach the first dry cleaning place. "happy valentines day!" i say as i walk in. "these are for you," as i slide the cookies to the lady across the counter.
"oh th-"
"-before you thank me," i interrupt. "i have to tell you that this coat-" i pat the trash bag covered garment on the counter "...is covered in puke..."
she stares at me for a second. in the eye. then slowly opens the bag.
"i can't do this." she says.
"what." are you serious? they can reject me?
"i can't do this. i can call a friend that i work with sometimes and see if he will do it. but i can't do this." she walks over to the phone, dials, and mumbles for a few short minutes, then hangs up. "no. he says he can't do it."
fuck.
not really sure what i'm going to do, i start bagging up my coat.
"here," says the lady, "you're going to need these." and slides my cookies back to me.
bitch.
i get on my phone and google the closest dry cleaning place to me. and that is how we get to the beginning of this story. my coat survived. beautifully, actually. not even a hint of puke aroma to allude to it's shameful past.
i hope you all had a lovely valentines day. xoxoxx muahh.
