it's that time again

i know i have a post on here somewhere about friends and classmates my age - the ripe age of 22 - getting married and having babies. the more it keeps happening, the more time i have to give up of my precious weekends going to baby showers, wedding showers, and 1st birthday parties. and the more money i have to give up from my precious pay check to support you and your new family in your new happiness.

screw you.

(i won't say weddings, because honestly i love weddings - drinking for free, dressing up, drinking for free, dancing, drinking for free, hot cousins of your aunt's friend's grandma's nephew's ...whatever. ...did i mention drinking for free?)

and the rate it keeps happening (seriously, i knew i'd probably be the last of my friends to do either - but i didn't expect that everyone would be settling down so soon. i mean, i wasn't planning on settling down until.... i don't know, never?), the more i'm getting used to it. i realize now, after the initial shock, that i am just brushing the beginning of what will be the next 10 years of my life.

i attended a friend's baby shower a few weeks ago. i hadn't seen her in maybe a year, so besides my mom and sister and a few familiar faces - including a high school classmate and the friend's mom - i knew no one. and now i must tell you something.

i'm not to keen on babies.

for years my friends have been disgusted with my less than enthusiastic view of the miracle of birth and the small human that comes with it, begging me never to have children. honestly, i think it's just where i am in my life right now. i am no where near ready or mature enough to begin thinking about having kids. to me, the scariest place on earth is Babies "R" Us. this is why it's such a shock to see friends of mine becoming mothers. are they crazy???? sure, i'll love my kid and think it's the most beautiful thing that's ever dived head first out of a vagina. and use it to fulfill all of my childhood dreams that were left incomplete. that's what they're for, right?

we walk in to the party and say hello to the soon-to-be mom and the rest of the strangers. little was i aware, but i had an admirer.

across the room from me he sat. on the lap of another party attendant. smiling. straight. at me.

"look at him smiling at you! he loves you!" my mom gushes.

...

i look to my right and see him. "he's been staring and smiling at you since you walked in!" my mom continues. "GO HOLD THAT BABY!!!" my mom shouts at me.

....wtf.

besides being embarassed by my mother, i'm now aware of the room full of people staring and waiting. i'm in a room full of baby lovers - obviously i can't say no without looking like an asshole. i pause, standing across the room from him. we're eye-to-eye.

i be the bigger man and make the first move (obviously. he's a sack of smiling lard with wobbly cartilage appendages attached.). the room is quiet. i step up, reach for him, and set him on my hip. he clings - immediately starting to rub his gums and tongue on my shoulder.

after a few awkward seconds of standing in the middle of the room where, literally, every chair is pointed and focused, i look around.

"uh... who's baby is this?" i ask the room of strangers.

a happy voice speaks up and claims him, and the room seems to unfreeze, continuing paused conversations and activities. i start to relax a little, looking down at the thing sucking on my sweater. i'm not one of those people who find every baby cute. in fact, it's almost the opposite. they all look the same to me- like short, fat, bald, toothless aliens. but i had to admit, for a baby, this one wasn't that ugly. and he had slip-on skull shoes. i later ask the mother where she got them. my mom doesn't hesitate to inform her of my motives, "she's just curious because she wants some for herself." ...thanks, mom.

not too much later, another member of the crowd can't take it any more and has to hold that baby. relieved, i hand him over and make my way to the food table - the real reason i came here. later, we put the baby on the floor and watch as he chews on empty water bottles.

i text my friends after:

me: my mom made me hold a baby at the baby shower i was just at.

friend: how pissed were you

me: it wasn't that ugly, so it wasn't that bad

again, i'm urged to never become a mother.

at least for right now, i'm perfectly fine with that.